Missing Mom

Happy Birthday, Mom

Happy Birthday, Mom. It has been four months but I still think of you and miss you every day.  On tough days, I miss sharing all the annoyances of the day with you and having you sympathize, give me advice, make me laugh or top my daily drama with your own. On good days, I miss telling you about accomplishments and trading funny stories. I am reminded of a Dashboard Confessional song with the lyrics “It seems like nothing’s happened until I shared them with you.” Life is just not the same without our daily conversations.

Sometimes I lament not getting to have one last conversation with you. You know the kind in the movies where you would tell me how much you love me and how proud you are of me and I would tell you that I love you too and that you are an incredible mother and I’ll miss you. But the fact is, we didn’t need to have that conversation. Not one single tiny part of me doubts that you loved me with all of your heart and were completely proud of me. And I am confident that you knew exactly how I felt about you.

I’ve spent a lot of time lately wondering how today would feel. What I should do today. How I could help my family make it through today. And how I could make today special. Now that today is here, I still don’t really know. My heart feels heavy. The day feels sad. It may be hard to do, but I want to focus on my memories of you and do things that you would have done today. At breakfast, Ally wanted peanut butter so I told her about how you were the first one to feed her peanut butter – far earlier than all the doctors say should be allowed. Tonight, I’ll ask Ally to sing “Happy Birthday” to you and I’ll pray that you’re watching and smiling.

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